March 5, 2021

INTJ ESFJ relationships, friendship or love, any compatibility?

The first thing you need to know about compatibility in relationships is that they’re not just about personality. Here are just a couple of very different social dynamics with these same types, to illustrate a point:

  • INTJ boss, ESFJ employee (usually works quite good)
  • ESFJ boss, INTJ employee (can work, but INTJs can have a hard time accepting to follow someone of this type, unless they’re really good at their profession)
  • ESFJ parent, INTJ child (usually works fine until the INTJ hits adolescence, which may cause them to drift apart and feel they’re not understood on an intellectual level)
  • ESFJ man and INTJ woman in romance/marriage (for some reason, INTJ women are usually sapiosexual, attracted almost exclusively to intellectual types and an ESFJ man might not be intellectually stimulating enough to make a relationship last)
  • INTJ man and ESFJ woman in romance/marriage (would probably work a little better than the other way around, since men don’t require a woman to be an intellectual as an eliminatory prerequisite, even though I’m sure INTJ men also like women interested in intellectual stuff)

There are about a thousand other combinations, so I’m going to stop listing and move onto other issues with this pairing.

Obstacles

There are a couple of things that could be major stumbling blocks in a relationship like this.

Religion

ESFJs are really into religion. According to studies cited in the MBTI manual, they’re one of the types ranked highest in believing in God and INTJs are very often not into religion (ranked highest in saying “no” to belief in a higher spiritual power). If any of these types considers religion or atheism to be super important, clearly this becomes a deal breaker.

esfj intj pair

Non-conformism

ESFJs are one of the most conformist personality types out there. That’s one of the reasons why it’s easy for them to be social, since they usually believe what most other people believe. They have a lot in common with the common man because they usually are the common man, or woman. INTJs on the other hand are usually non-conformist, sometimes extremely non-conformist. They may not respect traditions and customs around marriage, children, religion, nation… INTJs can also develop non-conformist habits and will do all kinds of experiments that go against common wisdom. This can obviously make the ESFJ feel mad or alienated or just weirded out. If the ESFJs compassionate nature overrides their judging nature, then he ESFJ can probably learn to accept that their partner is a little quirky. INTJs are usually not non-conformist just for the sake of it. With their little experiments socially or around the house or at work, they are trying to discover something that works better, easier, faster.

Nosiness and boundaries

Not all ESFJs are nosy, but many of them are. INTJs on the other hand are often secretive, reserved and they want to have good control of what others know about them. In the beginning stages of a relationship ESFJs can overstep all kinds of boundaries with the INTJ, gossip about things they’ve been told by the INTJ and create stress for the INTJ. All of this is usually unintentional by the ESFJ and not malicious, since they don’t understand what’s the perk of being so private and reserved. This problem usually gets resolved with time, because ESFJs are compassionate people and will adapt eventually to make you feel comfortable, or the INTJ will practice more control over what they share with this person.

The upsides

  • ESFJs are usually transparent to INTJs, meaning INTJs can easily read their intentions
  • ESFJs are surprisingly honest with people they become attached to, which the INTJ appreciates
  • Both types are loyal and gravitate towards stable long term relationships
  • An ESFJ friend or romantic partner can keep an INTJ grounded and expand his/her social network
  • Both types value order, tidiness, punctuality and planning